A headcount conducted by Nabisco corporate security on Tuesday placed the population of the company’s front lawn at approximately 4,000 women, and the number of requests directed at the company at zero.
“We walked the whole thing with a clipboard,” said the head of security. “We asked each table if there was anything they needed from us. We got offered pie eleven times and asked to move once, because we were standing in front of the whiteboard.”
The census identified three lab-draw stations, a prior-authorization appeals desk staffed in two shifts, a bean dip pivot rehearsal circle, and a tent where a retired endocrinologist answers the question “is it the medication or is it perimenopause” from 9 to 11 daily.
The report noted a single piece of signage referencing the company, a hand-lettered placard at the lawn’s edge reading PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE BUILDING.
“We’d budgeted for a negotiation,” said a Vice President of Corporate Affairs. “We’re now trying to understand what line item this is.”
Cat Clark, reached at the appeals desk, said the company was welcome to keep counting. “They’re good at it,” she said. “Counting was always the part they were good at.”
At press time the security team had been invited back Thursday, not for a follow-up, but because Thursday is chili.
