Local Woman Achieving 100 Grams of Protein and 25 Grams of Soluble Fiber Daily Now Legally Classified as a Full-Time Logistics Trucking Company
Federal Motor Carrier Safety Administration issues USDOT freight number to 42-year-old managing her protein, fiber and hydration targets across six insulated containers.
Citing the tonnage of Greek yogurt, chia seeds, cottage cheese and electrolyte tumblers moving through her Honda CR-V each morning, the U.S. Department of Transportation formally classified forty-two-year-old Megan Dorsey as an interstate freight carrier on Tuesday.
“When you stop running on 800 calories of sadness and start fueling a body on a GLP-1,” Dorsey said at a weigh station off I-96, “you’re not snacking. You’re a supply chain.”
A DOT inspector who pulled Dorsey over found six insulated containers, a logbook recording 100 grams of protein and 25 grams of fiber daily, and a water-to-fiber ratio she described as “one to one, or the whole operation stops.”
“Her manifest was cleaner than most of the semis,” the inspector said. “She had a hydration schedule. I don’t have a hydration schedule.”
Coworkers who once asked why Dorsey carried three thermoses reportedly now salute the clipboard, and two have applied for their own freight numbers.
At press time Dorsey had been issued a USDOT placard for the CR-V and had asked whether it came in a smaller size for the lunch bag.
This dispatch is satire. The events, quotations and organizations in the report above are invented. The Receipt beneath it is not: every figure in it is drawn from published clinical evidence and is cited to its source.
Sensory lab staff reportedly stacking ergonomic chairs against the stairwell door after being asked a question nobody in the building had prepared for.
EAST HANOVER, NJ · By the Editors at The Rogue Patient
