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The Rogue Patient

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Unmuted // Verbal Weaponry · Satire

Man Who Last Saw a Doctor in 2014 Completes Fellowship in Endocrinology During 12-Second Video, Corrects Wife’s Prescription in Applebee’s Parking Lot

Local husband cites a clip he watched on the toilet to raise “serious concerns” about a medication prescribed by someone who went to school for it.

ENGAGE THE MUTE BUTTON!
ENGAGE THE MUTE BUTTON!

Forty-one-year-old Derek Miller announced Tuesday evening in an Applebee’s parking lot that he had serious concerns about his wife’s prescribed medication, citing a twelve-second video he had watched on his phone earlier that day.

“I just don’t know if we know the long-term data on those peptides, babe,” Miller said, starting the car.

Miller, who last saw a physician in 2014 and describes his own blood pressure as “probably fine,” said the video had been “really well edited” and featured a man in a kitchen who seemed to know what he was talking about.

His wife, who had discussed the medication with her endocrinologist over three appointments, reviewed two outcome trials, and read the full prescribing information, reportedly nodded once.

“I asked if he wanted to come to the next appointment and ask the doctor,” she said. “He said he didn’t need to. He had the video.”

She then pressed the Mute Button, a mental device she described as “the best thing I’ve installed this year,” and listened to a podcast the rest of the way home.

At press time Miller had sent her the video, she had not opened it, and his own annual physical remained unscheduled for a twelfth consecutive year.

This dispatch is satire. The events, quotations and organizations in the report above are invented. The Receipt beneath it is not: every figure in it is drawn from published clinical evidence and is cited to its source.

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