Medical School Drops Endocrinology From Curriculum Entirely, Replaces It With 4-Semester Seminar on Sighing Loudly While Looking at a Clipboard
Future physicians must now pass a timed clinical board exam in interrupting female patients within 11 seconds and typing “patient non-compliant with diet” into the chart.
Updating its coursework for the 2026 academic year, the National Board of Medical Examiners announced Wednesday that it has eliminated all lectures on leptin resistance, thyroid conversion and hypothalamic signaling in favor of a practicum titled Advanced Condescension and Paternalistic Head-Tilting 401.
“A heavy sigh bills the same as a workup,” said Dean of Curriculum Dr. Walter Hinch. “It takes four seconds. We did the math, which is the last math we’ll be doing.”
The new clinical skills exam features a stopwatch station in which candidates must interrupt a standardized patient within eleven seconds of her first symptom, a benchmark drawn from published averages that the Board described as “aspirational.”
A second station grades the phrase “thermodynamics doesn’t lie, sweetheart” on eye contact, tilt angle and whether the patient’s reported intake was heard before it was dismissed.
Asked what happens when a patient asks for a fasting insulin, Hinch said that was covered in the elective.
At press time the Board confirmed the elective had been cancelled for low enrollment.
This dispatch is satire. The events, quotations and organizations in the report above are invented. The Receipt beneath it is not: every figure in it is drawn from published clinical evidence and is cited to its source.
