Legacy diet conglomerates hold joint press conference to admit that cabbage soup, point calculators, and 2005 tough-love books were “honestly just to see how much women would pay to feel bad about themselves.”
Standing before a wall of shredded point-tracking booklets Tuesday, executives representing the $150 billion commercial weight-loss industry formally apologized for a forty-year practical joke in which generations of women were told biological hunger was a character flaw.
“Half a grapefruit and a rice cake,” said a spokesperson for the Coalition of Diet Shakes. “We thought you knew it was a bit.”
The spokesperson said the industry had planned to come clean in the mid-1990s, “but then low-fat happened, and the numbers were incredible.”
A second wave in 2005, built on books that called readers names in the title, was described as “the bit getting away from us.”
“We kept waiting for someone to notice the hunger never went away,” the spokesperson said. “Everyone noticed. They just blamed themselves. That’s when finance said ride it out.”
Asked what ended the prank, the spokesperson said endocrinology, and then asked whether anyone had a GLP-1 rep’s number.
At press time the Coalition had announced a rebrand as a wellness platform and raised a Series A.
This dispatch is satire. The events, quotations and organizations in the report above are invented. The Receipt beneath it is not: every figure in it is drawn from published clinical evidence and is cited to its source.
Sensory lab staff reportedly stacking ergonomic chairs against the stairwell door after being asked a question nobody in the building had prepared for.
EAST HANOVER, NJ · By the Editors at The Rogue Patient
