Skip to the dispatches
SatireEvery dispatch here is invented. Every receipt under it is real and cited.How that works
Case file // Eyes onlyLansing, MI · UNLIT PublishingSide effects may include reading the fine print.
The Rogue Patient

The headlines are fake. The receipts are real.

The Report // Secret Files · Satire

Shady Telehealth Clinic Operating Out of Abandoned Arby’s Drive-Thru Insists Research-Grade Peptide Mixed in Blender Is Totally Fine

“Dr. Kyle” assures patients through the curly-fry speaker box that 503A sterile pharmacy accreditation and third-party Certificates of Analysis are “honestly just for haters.”

503A SAFETY ALERT!
503A SAFETY ALERT!

Speaking through a crackly intercom beneath a flickering roast-beef sign, representatives of SlimShotz Express MedSpa & Muffler Repair assured prospective telehealth patients Thursday that their unmarked vials of pinkish liquid were “basically the same” as the medication a pharmacy would dispense.

“Pull up to Window 2,” said founder Kyle DeVries, rinsing a Margaritaville blender. “$199. Venmo my cousin.”

Asked by a customer whether the compounding pharmacy was a state-licensed 503A facility, DeVries said it was “a facility.”

Asked whether the product was made from verified base semaglutide or a salt form, DeVries said it was “the good kind.”

Asked whether a third-party Certificate of Analysis was available, DeVries said it was in the back, then said the back was closed, then offered a free side of curly fries.

“If it stings a little,” he added, “that’s the B-12.”

At press time the customer had driven off without ordering, and DeVries had confirmed to the next car that the previous patient had been “a hater.”

This dispatch is satire. The events, quotations and organizations in the report above are invented. The Receipt beneath it is not: every figure in it is drawn from published clinical evidence and is cited to its source.

More from The Report