Thanksgiving Turkey Files Restraining Order Against Family Members Using Holiday Meal as Public Congressional Hearing on Sister-in-Law’s Jeans Size
Eighteen-pound Butterball petitions circuit court to be carved in peace without being used as a prop in Aunt Carol’s forensic audit of who lost weight and how.
Filing an emergency motion in Ingham County Circuit Court on Friday, an eighteen-pound roasted turkey formally requested a 500-foot protective order against extended family members who treat the fourth Thursday of November as a sworn deposition on women’s bodies.
“Sixteen hours in a dry brine,” the bird said through counsel. “Not so Uncle Bob could point a carving fork at his niece’s plate.”
The motion cites a pattern of conduct including unsolicited commentary on portion size, the phrase “you look great, what are you doing,” and a 2024 incident in which a cousin’s medication was discussed over the bird’s own carcass.
Under the proposed terms, any relative who raises weight, willpower or medication at the table forfeits pie and is remanded to the garage until the dishes are done.
The court granted a temporary order Friday afternoon, noting that the turkey “has standing, in that it is the only one at the table not talking.”
At press time Aunt Carol had retained counsel and Uncle Bob had asked whether the garage had a television.
This dispatch is satire. The events, quotations and organizations in the report above are invented. The Receipt beneath it is not: every figure in it is drawn from published clinical evidence and is cited to its source.
