Weight-Loss App Introduces New “Guilt+ Platinum Tier” That Sends Automated Disappointed Text From Your Mother Every Time You Look at Bread
Desperate software executives scramble to retain subscribers defecting to metabolic medicine by adding a red siren that screams whenever you log an unscheduled almond.
Facing a seventy-percent collapse in active users as millions of women discover their brains were never broken, legacy calorie-counting app ShamePal unveiled a $49.99-per-month Guilt+ Platinum Tier on Wednesday.
“The red-yellow-green system kept people anxious for twenty years,” said chief product officer Ethan Cross. “Then they treated the biology and deleted us. We had to escalate.”
Guilt+ Platinum uses the phone camera to detect bread within twelve feet, locks the user’s checking account, and plays a recording of her mother saying “I just think you have such a pretty face.”
Exit surveys from departing users reportedly cluster around a single write-in response, “I’m not hungry anymore,” which the company has flagged as a bug.
“We built a product for a problem,” Cross said. “The problem turned out to be fixable. That’s on the problem.”
At press time ShamePal had announced a pivot to tracking the joy of its remaining users, who it estimated at four.
This dispatch is satire. The events, quotations and organizations in the report above are invented. The Receipt beneath it is not: every figure in it is drawn from published clinical evidence and is cited to its source.
